


the Diaper Protocol

by longforgottenhymn



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Attempt at humour, Gen, irondad and spiderson are at it again, managing to end up in places they shouldnt be, peter is annoying af, short fic, tony is done with everything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-15
Updated: 2019-03-15
Packaged: 2019-11-18 09:22:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18117917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/longforgottenhymn/pseuds/longforgottenhymn
Summary: Prompt:“Why don’t we just post bail?”“You do know that bail isn’t a ‘get out of jail free card’, right?”“But we’re rich.”“No, I’m rich. I just like bringing you around.”In which Tony and Peter are mistaken for the criminals they're hunting down and spend the night in a holding cell.





	the Diaper Protocol

**Author's Note:**

> The prompt is from Clean-prompts and writingpromptsandjunk on tumblr :)
> 
> Go check them out, they're both awesome!

Tony wasn’t supposed to be in jail. It was gonna look really bad for him if it ever reached the press - especially if it came out that he was in jail with a kid as his accomplice. Now  _ that _ would be a PR nightmare. Thankfully the arrest had been quiet, black-ops and all, and no one would have been able to snap a picture before the police car drove off or whilst it dropped them off at the station. They’d been flanked by the bombsquad the entire time.

Besides, this town was barely more than a village.

It wasn’t really a question of  _ if _ they’d get out, but  _ when. _ And time was short. May was already on him about keeping Peter up late and missing school. The clock outside the small holding cell was striking one AM in seven minutes - she must be fuming by now back in Queens. Too bad they were all the way up in Quebec.

‘Oh my god,’ Peter said for about the hundredth time in the two hours they’d been locked in there together.

‘Would you stop that?’

‘Oh my god. I’m too young for this. Why can’t I just have my phone to play flappy bird? Mr Stark, you know I have a really short attention span. Like, really short.’

Tony glanced up at the police woman who’d been assigned with watching them through the bars. If he’d still been in the suit, he could’ve easily bent them aside and simply walked out. Actually, he wasn’t that opposed to telling FRIDAY to call it back there, bust through the wall and be done with it. It wasn’t that simple, though. Secretary Ross had told him, more than once, that keeping up good relations with other countries was crucial. Cooperating with any and all legal inquiries was a  _ necessity. _

A particularly stupid necessity. If it wasn’t for the bombsquad and the black ops and this whole situation, Stark was pretty certain he would’ve caught the crooks they’d came all the way to Canada for by now. He just needed his suit, go after the trail before it went cold.

‘Oh my god,’ Peter complained again, legs bouncing furiously. He was hyperactive and the cell was only a three by four, so there wasn’t much pacing to be done.

‘Please,’ Tony pleaded through the bars, putting on his most miserable face for the woman, ‘just let him have his game. Have mercy on me.’

She took a long drag of the milkshake on her desk. ‘You’ll get all personal belongings back if you’ll be released. Right now they’re evidence.’

‘But we haven’t even done anything!’ the teen exclaimed, jumping up from the single metal bench that he and his mentor had to share. Except for that, the only other item in the cell was the urinal that neither of them had dared to use. Yet. It reeked and the ground around it looked decidedly… sticky. ‘Please lady, we’re the  _ good guys. _ We were there to find the criminals just like you were! In fact - mr Stark, weren’t you the one that tipped them off about it?’

Tony just shook his head. He had been the one to call in the threat of what they’d thought was an active bomber, as per Ross’ orders -  _ report everything back to the committee, especially  potential dangers to civilians _ \- and he was very much regretting it now. Cap had been wrong about the Accords, they were essential; but they were also a huge pain in the ass and lots of paperwork. Things took time nowadays. Too much of it.

‘I know who you are,’ the police drawled in her thick French accent, ‘I watch the news. Even the American ones. It’s like a sitcom. But Captain America was famous once too, so. How can I be sure Iron Man and Spider-man haven’t switched sides?’

Peter’s eyes widened. He’d been wearing a big flannel that Tony had bargained for when it was clear they’d be locked up for at least a little time. The local police had been adamant that the mask on his suit would come off, so using it to protect his identity was a no go. Only a few officers had seen the whole get-up, spider emblem and all. This woman wasn’t one of them.

‘Don’t worry,’ she yawned, turning back to her magazine, ‘I won’t tell anyone. I have no interest in becoming Instagram famous.’

The kid sat back down, sulking. The clock turned five minutes to one. Everytime it came to four to, the smaller hand made a high-pitched squeak so horridly loud that it could be classified as torture. The seconds ticked by. Stark braced himself.

‘Why don’t we just post bail?’ Parker whined.

‘You do know bail isn’t a  _ get out of jail free card _ , right? Real life isn’t monopoly.’

‘But we’re rich.’

‘No,  _ I’m _ rich. I just like bringing you around.’

The clock turned 00:56 and they both cringed hard at the prolonged squeak that followed. The boy grunted frustratedly, pressing his hands over his ears. The enhanced hearing must’ve made it even harder to bear.

‘At least let me fix that damn clock,’ Tony begged. He couldn’t sit through another hour of counting down the minutes to that inevitable hell-sound.

‘I’m not allowed to hand you anything that might assist you in an escape.’

‘You did build your first suit out of scraps,’ Peter supplied helpfully.

‘This is it. This is where I die.’

A beat of blissful silence fell over them. Then,

‘We could always play rock paper scissors again.’

The older man rose, approaching the bars that held him from freedom. He considered shaking them like a madman, hoping one of them might come loose. Why,  _ why _ he thought once more, had he ever left his suit outside of that building to stand sentry? The bomb hadn’t even been real. They’d just found a server, the one they’d traced all the threats back to. Wearing his armour now would’ve made things so much easier. Not to mention, he could’ve called Ross and told him to confirm the fact that they were here on a mission. Tony Stark and his consultant, as he’d put it to the Secretary of State. It was supposed to just be a training mission for the kid to see if he was ready for the bigger picture, sign the Accords and fall under other people’s orders that not even a billionaire could sway.

    Tony didn’t want to let him go. No matter how irritating he was being.

‘Come on, paper rock scissors. I’ll give you a headstart.’

He rolled his eyes, ‘Headstarts aren’t good in that game Parker.’

The kid looked positively baffled. He batted his eyes innocently.

    ‘What? Really? I had no idea.’

‘Oh my god,’ the man sighed, his own legs growing restless now. He wasn’t gonna survive the night in here, especially not without coffee. God, he needed coffee. The dark, bitter kind Pepper made from the hand selected beans they got in once a month from a special dealer. His heart ached for that.

‘Is there even wifi up here? I mean I’m gonna have to text May the moment we get out of here, but like, it’s gonna be a huge bill if there’s no wifi, right? Oh god, is there even reception?’

‘We’ve got reception,’ the policewoman quipped in, still caught up in her paper. ‘We’re not the middle of nowhere.’

‘Yeah you are,’ Tony breathed out bitterly, eyeing the urinal. It was a foul, foul thing, but his bladder was beginning to seriously consider it as an alternative to empty itself into.

The door to the room opened, revealing what must’ve been the chief at this station. He held a ring of keys which swung back and forth, clinking jovally against each other as he neared the cell.

‘I just got off the phone with Secretary Ross. He verified that you were here on his orders and claims someone else has taken over the, uh,  _ trail _ for you. His words, not mine. Anyway, you’re good to go.’

‘Oh my god!’ Peter let out for what was hopefully the last time. He jumped up excitedly, practically running out the barred door as it was opened.

‘I’d like to apologize for how long you had to wait,’ the chief added, smiling nervously.

‘It’s fine,’ Tony told him. He trudged out after the teen, feeling like a zombie in a low budget flick. One where the lack of coffee was likely the trigger of the apocalypse. ‘You’ll be pleased to hear that we’re gonna be out of your hair in no time. Just don’t arrest us on our way back to the Quinjet, would you?’

‘Uh, of course not-’

‘Thanks. Bye. Please tell your staff not to upload any pictures of us on twitter.’

Parker led the way out, briskly walking past the bomb squad who had apparently stayed on site just in case. They picked up their belongings at the front desk before departing.

    The pair were outside again in the cold and thick, fluffy snow in the space of five minutes - one of which Tony blissfully had spent in a proper toilet. Basic hygiene sure was a gift when you hadn’t had access to it in a while. The kid stopped under a streetlamp, shuffling his feet as he waited for his mentor to catch up.

‘Could we please just wait here for a cab?’ the man complained, ‘I’m not jogging all the way back with you. Some of us aren’t superhuman, night-loving arachnids.’

‘Does this place even have cabs?’

‘I don’t know. But it’s a little south to be full of magical flying reindeer.’

‘Yeah, I guess.’

He pulled out his phone, cursing at the low battery percentage. He had just enough time for one call and it was taxi versus May who had texted him thrice thus far. She knew that their mission shouldn’t have taken more than a few hours at the most. They should’ve been back by now.

His aching, tired legs won the battle and he told FRIDAY to use the last of the cell’s juice to order them a ride. May was gonna kill him for that, but at least then he’d finally get some rest.

‘Mr Stark?’

    ‘Mm?’ he asked noncommittally, trying to shake some warmth back into his freezing body. He’d only been wearing one layer beneath the suit as he’d never expected to leave its warmth for so long. Damn Canadian police and cold weather.

    ‘You know when you told me you’d equipped the suit to- take care of me, if I ever got stranded in, like, the dessert or something?’

‘Uh, yeah?’

‘Well, you weren’t kidding right? About the, um, functions.’

Tony stared at him for a moment, trying to decipher what that meant. Parker was growing restless under the pale lamplight that illuminated his reddening cheeks. The cause for the latter didn’t seem to be the cold, though.

‘You mean,’ he said slowly, ‘about making water out of… other bodily fluids.’

‘Mm hm.’

He clasped the kid’s shoulder hard, sucking in a deep breath. Peter squealed in fear and anticipation, face now close to resembling a tomato. If only Stark had had one of those retinal cameras. He could’ve just gained a new, embarrassing profile picture for his phone’s contacts.

‘Well…’

‘Oh  _ god. _ ’

‘I’m just kidding,’ he burst out laughing, ‘it’s there, you’re good.’

    ‘God! Dude, that’s so not cool- I thought I’d…’

    ‘Yeah, well, it’s still all icky though. I mean, ew. Seriously ew.’

‘Oh come on, you saw that urinal thing! It was  _ way _ worse, and, like, I would’ve had to strip off my whole suit, and I wasn’t about to do that in front of a- a  _ lady- _ ’

‘It’s fine, really,’ he said trying to pull himself together, ‘I just, wow. I never thought I’d have to change your diapers.’

Peter hung his head, face contorted in the pain of humiliation as his mentor went into another fit of laughter. This was gold. Once Tony’s phone was charged, he was gonna send an  _ extensive _ mission report back to May and Happy. Together the three of them would never let the kid forget this.

    ‘Yeah, yeah,’ the kid mumbled miserably. ‘Let’s just go home.’

**Author's Note:**

> Imagine when they get home and Tony has to filter out the pee from the suit
> 
> Imagine Pepper walking in on "the diaper protocole" and quickly turning around, no questions asked - she doesn't wanna know


End file.
